


The Five Times Nico Considered Suicide And The One Time Someone Saved Him.

by angelica_barnes



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Nico-centric, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, brief major character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 18:13:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14431302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelica_barnes/pseuds/angelica_barnes
Summary: read the title





	The Five Times Nico Considered Suicide And The One Time Someone Saved Him.

**_1._ **

 

It’s too dark out, Nico thinks. Then again, maybe it’s because his eyes are closed. But the wind against his face is so hard and fast, and it’s so much easier to jump when you’re not looking.

I mean, at least Percy doesn’t  _ know _ . Of course this is what he comforts himself with, is the thought that follows.

Two daggers in his heart, Percy and Annabeth, and with every kiss they twist themselves in a little deeper.

Nico doesn’t really know what makes him do it, but he opens his eyes.

 

**_2._ **

 

And so Percy and Annabeth are old news. Nico’s managed to pull the daggers out with slow and painful tugs, but at least he’s fine now. 

But then there’s Leo.

Leo is funny, and kind, and somehow to everyone else’s confusion he can make Nico laugh, and that’s something. But as rough as his hands are, their touch is gentle, and so Nico craves Leo’s hugs and hand holds and sometimes kisses on the cheek and forehead.

So the mast is easy to climb, and Nico does, but as soon as he’s at the top he just sits down in the lookout spot. Because the stars are bright like Leo’s eyes, and so he watches.

 

**_3._ **

 

It’s been a habit for seventy years. Even when Bianca was there, his hands itched for a blade to slit his wrists with, and unsurprisingly no one noticed. When Bianca died and Nico fell in love with the person whose fault that was, the cuts got deeper, more often, and still nobody noticed just how much he didn’t want to be touched, and how he never took his jacket off to sleep.

But at least they weren’t his Achilles Heel. No, that part was reserved for Leo. Leo and his stupid smile and his stupid jokes and his stupid hands, and then he kissed Nico’s usual frown the day before… 

Things, and now he’s fucked. He’s in love with the elfish repair boy, and that’s alright, but love comes with pain and he’s afraid he’s had too much of that for fifty lifetimes.

But for tonight he puts the blade down and wanders out of the bathroom and into the open night air, where he finds Leo dancing to his own singing, spinning around on the empty deck.

The boy sees Nico and grins, reaching out with sweaty fingers to grab Nico’s cold ones, and then they dance around together. Once again for a millionth time, Nico is reminded of just why he loves this boy.

 

**_4._ **

 

They’ve never told anyone. There’s no need. Nico prefers his kisses behind closed doors, and Leo is actually the shyest person Nico’s ever met - he can’t have met himself. Maybe Hazel knows; she probably doesn’t.

Even Piper’s got no clue.

“I love you,” Nico whispers, and Leo’s fingers stop playing with Nico’s hair for two seconds, and he smiles down at Nico and then presses a soft kiss to his lips.

“I love you too.”

And that’s  _ scary _ . Nico doesn’t know how to be in love and have someone love him back, and so he runs - straight up the mast and to the lookout point; Leo’s asleep in his -  _ their _ bed, so there’s no chance of being interrupted.

Or stopped.

And so he’s standing there, ready to jump, and he puts a foot off the wood and into the cold night air, and his shoe falls off. His black converse falls down and lands in the black, shining ocean with a splash.

But suddenly, he doesn’t wanna fall so far. It might hurt when he crashes…

And “I love you” doesn’t hurt right now.

 

**_5._ **

 

Maybe they weren’t meant to be together if things ended this way. Nico should’ve known, when Leo kissed him and said, “I love you,” and then ran off. Towards Festus, towards fire, towards the god that would kill them all - but no, just Leo.

And there’s a beautiful explosion of ash and dust and Nico can tell, he  _ feels _ Leo’s life leaving him in one quick burst but at least he died painlessly -

Nico crumples to the ground with his hands covering his mouth, but even that can’t stop the sobs and soon he’s just crying, harder and harder with each passing moment. And Jason is the first to wrap his arms around the Ghost King, and then Percy, and then Hazel and the rest, and Nico makes a last confession before crawling over to the side of the cliff.

“I loved him,” he rasps, voice breaking. “He loved me.”

And then he jumps forward but twelve hands grab him and pull him back into their arms, and he cries for all he’s lost.

For the love he never got to keep.

For the life he should’ve had (with Leo).

For the life Leo should’ve had (with Nico).

For Leo.

  
  


**_1._ **

 

And now Nico’s back by the mast.

He hasn’t climbed it this time. Instead he’s leaning against it, like he used to, before Leo pulled him out into the open, and made him dance. Made him smile.

Made him live.

So he’s got no reason to live now, nobody there to force him. And so he pushes himself forward and walks towards the edge, and he puts both hands on the wall and closes his eyes.

He takes a deep breath, and then -

“Nico?”

Nico turns around and there he is, with scars and dirt and scruffy hair and he’s so  _ beautiful _ , and Nico just runs into his open arms and lets the rough fingers run through his hair and he cries, and he holds him tighter, closer.

“Leo.”


End file.
